The Tallens of Rigel 7


(Opening scene, lots of noise from the bridge)

Sulu: Approaching Rigel 7, Captain.

Kirk: Good. Put it up on the screen. (Pause) Sulu, I said put it up on the screen.

Sulu: I did, Captain. It's that tiny blue dot right over there. It will be another two days before it's large enough to see with the naked eye.

Spock: Another 2.3 days to be exact.

Kirk: Well, call me when we get there. Until then I'll be reading in my quarters.

(Opening Music and credits)


(Whistle in Captain's quarters)

Sulu: Captain – we're entering the Rigel system now. We'll arrived at Rigel 7 in an hour.

Spock: Another 1.01 hours Sulu, I wish you would be more precise.

Kirk: Can't we get there any faster?

Spock: Illogical Captain. The theory of relativity says that no object can move faster than the speed of light.

Kirk: Well, call me when we get there. Until then I'll be having lunch with Yeomand Rand in my quarters.


(Kirk enters bridge)

Sulu: Captain, we've assumed standard orbit around Rigel 7.

Kirk: Good. Report Spock.

Spock: (Looking at blue light from scanner). It's an unknown planet, Captain. It's very large and dense. I've never encountered readings like this before. I'm sure we'll all find it fascinating.

Kirk: Prepare to beam down. The landing party will consist of you, myself, Dr. McCoy, and geologist Louis.

(Scotty beams the crew down to the planet's surface. Immediately, all four men collapse to the ground and fall into comas. Music builds.)


(Ten minutes pass. At last, the crew regains consciousness and struggles to stand up.)

Bones: (gasp) My God, Jim – I can't breathe. There's no oxygen on this planet!

Spock: Apparently I failed to scan for oxygen on the Enterprise.

Bones: You pointed-eared Hobgoblin! How the hell could you forget to scan (cough, cough) for oxygen???

Spock: (gasp) Really, Doctor. It's not fair to comdemn my scanning procedures because of a single error in my procedure.

Bones: SPOCK! –

Kirk: Gentlemen! We're here in the name of science and before we go we have to take a core sample. Ensign Louis – take this hydraulic planetary drill over to that ridge and collect a core same.

Louis: But…

Kirk: That's an order.

(Ensign Louis, gasping and shivering, begins crawling into the distance, dragging a gigantic, styrofoam-looking drill behind him.)

Kirk: (flips open communicator) Kirk to Enterprise.

Scotty: Enterprise, Scott here.

Kirk: Three to beam up, Mr. Scott, we're dying down here!

Scotty: What's that you're sayin' Captain? There's too much electrical interference from that planet you're on.

Kirk: Scotty, beam the three of us up – fast!

Scotty: But what about Ensign Louis?

Kirk: It's too late for him! Beam us up!

Scotty: Ay, Captain, but you'll have to wait 'til our orbit brings us back around to your side of the planet. We canna beam ya up now or ya'd come back a mass of dyin' flesh!

Kirk: All right, Scott, we'll try to hold on. Kirk out.

Bones: SPOCK! You and your damnable Vulcan logic…

Spock: You're far too emotional Doctor.

Bones: Why you damned green-blooded pointed-eared inhuman jack rabbit. Why don't you just go fry in hell!

Spock: Unlikely, Dr. McCoy, hell is …

Kirk: Pipe down you two. We have to conserve oxygen. We have none, and it has to last us another half hour. Now, take some readings. We need oxygen and we need it quick. (Music builds).


(Scanning whistles)

Spock: (Walks about three feet from original site) Captain – I'm detecting alien life forms.

Kirk: What kind of life forms?

Spock: Unknown. I've never encountered readings like this before.

Bones: Wow, what a news flash!

Kirk: Explain.

Spock: It appears to be a rotting, brown colored fungus. It's capable of movement and right now is positioned behind the rocks near the ridge where Ensign Louis is drilling. It's the only life form on the planet, except for some fascinating plant life.

(The three exit the scene and enter another scene with identical rocks and red lights for the horizon).

Spock: (points the tricorder down at some rocks) These are the life forms, Captain. They seem to be attempting to communicate with us using a highly advanced form of telepathy.

Bones: It stinks. Whatever they are they could use a bath.

Kirk: Can you understand them?

Spock: I do have an excellent capacity for telepathy, Captain. They are called Tallens.

Kirk: Tallens.

Spock: Yes. They want us to leave their planet immediately. The entire colony of more than a billion of them are present in this small area. They seem to indicate that if we do not leave immediately they will display a sign of force.

Kirk: Right now, Spock, I want to display a typical human male force.

Spock: A strict regimen of nightly masturbation since age thirteen?

Kirk: No, Spock. (grinds boot into the fungus) Self defense. Well, I guess the Tallens won't ever threaten the federation again!

Bones: JIM!

Spock: (Raises both eyebrows) (Music rises).


Kirk: I don't know if I can take this asphyxiation much longer. I need a cool drink from this stream near where the Tallens were.

Bones: JIM! Are you out of your mind? That water might be salty, or warm!

Spock: Jim, wait!

Kirk: Out of my way Bones, I've got a hunch that water's good for drinking. (Scoops up a handful of water and drinks voraciously. Two seconds later, he gags and vomits violently). Auuuugh! It's no good.

(Communicator beeps twice)

Kirk: (flips open communicator) Kirk here.

Scotty: Scotty here, Captain. We're ready ta beam ya up.

Kirk: Good! Energize!

(Three men are transported back to the Enterprise.)


(Final scene: Kirk, McCoy and Spock are chatting around the Captain's chair).

Kirk: You know, Spock, I could be wrong, but I thought I saw you smiling just a little bit when we were beaming up from Rigel 7.

Spock: Incorrect Captain. It would be most improper to express joy while my core samples lie on the planet next to the remains of Ensign Louis and over one billion Tallens.

Bones: My God Spock! A man is dead, and you're worried about core samples and fungus! You inhuman bastard!

Spock: (Raises eyebrows) I merely stated a fact, Doctor.

Kirk: (Chuckles) Helm, set a course for Rigel 8. Navagation, what's our estimated time of arrival?

Chekov: Vell, even though it's the closest plant in the Universe, I'm afraid the limitation of the speed of light means we'll be lucky if our great-grandchildren live to see it. And even then, Captain, not for weary long.

Kirk: In that case, I'll be in my quarters. Steady as she goes.

(All laugh violently as ending music begins.)