The Voyage Home

Filename:  p.049

Category:  Star Trek (tm) parodies

Title(s):  VAX Trek VIII

           The Voyage Home: Episode 1

Author(s): David J. Young

Newsgroup: (email)

Poster:    David J. Young

Date posted: 1989 06 28

First date published: 1989 06 ??

Collector: Chuan K. Chee

Date collected: 1989 05 22

Date reformatted: 1990 05 06

Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home"

Episode 1

[In the background a few red jerseyed cleaning operatives can be seen… apparently clearing up the debris left by a wild and riotous party]

Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Three

…The "end of adventure" party seemed to go quite well on the whole..
..though I can't help feeling that Spock wasn't really entering fully into the spirit of the occasion…..He seemed to spend most of the time crawling about on the floor and peering up the ventilation ducts..which isn't the sort of behaviour you really expect from a ship's science officer…..I wonder what he's up to…

Scotty: [not very enthusiastically] "..emm..Thanks for the socks captain" [He'd actually hoped for a trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit for the ship's engines……]

Jim: "…a pleasure Scotty…Thought I'd get you something practical for your birthday" [As it was to become apparent in a future adventure the trans-warp flux re-inverter add on unit would have proved much more practical. The extra 4 warp factors it provided not only gives the captain more choice over what warp factor to use…but also would have enabled the Enterprise to outrun the 6 Klingon battlecruisers which ultimately destroyed it.]

Scotty: "Hmmm"

Sulu: "…oh yes…and thanks captain for the new sub-mega meson total buggerator phaser system you got installed on my console for me…it looks fun to use…" [This was to prove a completely impractical gift for a number of reasons:

  1. There was still some doubt in Sulu's mind (and for that matter in the minds of the rest of the crew) over the issue of whether he was the weapon's officer or the navigator. In which case..could he be trusted with the control of such a deadly weapon?
  2. Sulu's misuse of the facility in another future episode was also responsible for the demise of the Enterprise. An episode in which a pair of nice warm socks would have proved much more useful.]

Jim: "Don't mention it Sulu…"

Spock: "Jim….I urge you to take some action over this tribble situation"

Jim: "Look Spock….for the tenth time…There are NO tribbles on the ship…you're just imagining it. None of us have seen any"

Spock: "They're spreading like wild-fire through the ventilation system! There must be thousands of them in there now."

Jim: "Spock…get back to your duties….I'll hear no more of this tribble nonsense."

Spock: [looking exasperated] "…oh very well…." [He trudges over to his console, sits down and appears to get back to his work…..but every few minutes he glances nervously towards one of the ventilation ducts and mutters to himself]

Jim: "Right Sulu…..give us warp factor 6. Direction…Well sort of point us in the general direction of Earth….we're going home.."

Scotty: [muttering] "..warp factor 6…Huh!….we could be doing warp factor 14 now with a trans-warp flux re-inverter…."

Jim: "What was that Scotty?"

Scotty: "Oh…emm…nothing…"

Jim: "Uhura….open all hailing frequencies……and patch me through to Starfleet Command back on Earth….There's something I've been meaning to ask them for quite a while.."

Uhura: [boredly] "..hailing frequencies open, sir…"

Jim: "This is Captain James T.Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise."

Starfleet Command: "Go ahead Kirk…we read you loud and clear"

Jim: "Well I have a bit of a tricky question which has been bothering me for some time….How is it that the ship can go much faster than light yet it will take us 2 weeks to get back to Earth, whereas this radio conversation we are having has no time delay at all?"

Starfleet Command: [Silence]

[Twelve days later]

Uhura: "Message coming through from Starfleet Command, Captain"

Jim: "At last…"

Starfleet Command: "You bloody idiot Kirk!…you utter utter idiot!..we could have got away with that for at least the rest of the series but you had to go and open your big mouth…."

Uhura: "Message ends, Captain…"

Jim: "…..ah….emmm…..right…I think we'll forget about our return to Earth at the moment…They sound a little upset….Sulu take us to the Sirius Alpha sector….we haven't been there for a while…"

[At this point the mathematically minded amongst you will pause to work out how fast the Enterprise has been travelling on average, knowing that it met a message travelling out from Earth at the speed of light which had been sent twelve days ago. Answers on a postcard to me….cos I'd damn well like to know]

Sulu: "Aye Aye, sir.."

Spock: "Captain…our two day distance from Earth has brought us within Federation parcel post range…..Ensign Johnson down in the transporter room says a package just beamed aboard for you…"

Jim: "Ah!…that'll be my new beer making kit….great!"

[Sheeesh] [Ensign Johnson steps on to the bridge and hands over a small package]

Jim: [looking disappointed] "Aw!….it's the damned Reader's Digest… 'Dear CAPTAIN KIRK, Scratch off the three panels to reveal whether you have won a major prize in our 500,000 credit prize draw bonanza! Yes you CAPTAIN KIRK of STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, SOMEWHERE IN DEEP SPACE could be on the way to winning a super slimline speedboat, five hang-gliders or a super deluxe home beer making kit…..'"

Spock: "Go on Jim….scratch off the panels….I can't stand the excitement"

Jim: "Surprise surprise….I've won a major prize….AGAIN……." [He flings the junk mail disappointedly into his personal command chair waste basket and yawns] "Well maybe something exciting will happen in next week's episode…."

[How's that for a contrived ending?] *****YES!!! MORE VAX TREK SOON…..*****

Look…don't get all upset…I was only setting the scene this week for the major excitement of the next episode! I've given you time to delve more deeply into the characters' individual personalities and foibles (whatever THEY are). I get so many letters saying "Why doesn't VAX trek deal in more detail with some of the deeper social issues which confront us today?…Why has VAX Trek not addressed some of the underlying injusticies of our society today by parody and obscure metaphor? Why not explore more deeply the personalities and foibles of the crew members themselves? ….Why doesn't Spock take all his clothes off so we can see what a Vulcan looks like with nothing on?" To all these I say: If you want to talk funny and make lewd suggestions then don't write to me….I'm sure there are plenty of places you can get confidential help.



        Storyline:                      David 'Dangerous' Young

        Sandwiches designed by:         Arthur Pewty

        Fight Arranger:                 Ronald Reagan

        Computer System Kindly Run By:  Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.

                                        And thanks especially to our wonderful

                                        system security manager who has kindly

                                        overlooked this particular breach.

        Special Thanks to:      The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07

                                CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their

                                undying support for the author through his most

                                troubled times, and for chipping in to pay

                                for the psychiatric help.