Category: Star Trek ™ parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek VII, The Movie
The Interesting Bit: Episode 4
Author(s): David J. Young
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1989 ?? ??
Collector: Chuan K. Chee
Date collected: 1989 05 22
Date reformatted: 1990 05 06
Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
Captain's Log: stardate seven, fifty four point three nine.
We are currently orbiting a strange green planet, the inhabitants of which seem a little hostile…. It has taken us 5 hours to clear up the mess… It's not the first time we've been fired on from a planet…..but at least in the past we've had a chance to say "We come in peace" before they hit us with the heavy artillery. It looks like the only way to find out what's making them so upset is to go down there with a landing party.
Jim: "Right…who wants to join my landing party?"
Sulu: "Emmm….no thanks, I'm a bit busy"
Checkov: "Sorry Captain…me too"
Bones: "Errrr…I've just remembered….I'm needed in sick bay" [He heads off to the turbolift]
Scotty: "Sorry Sir,…not possible..I need to supervise the repairs on the warp drive engines"
Jim: "…Looks like I'll have to go alone then…oh well…"
[They all turn away and pretend to concentrate furiously on their work as Jim makes for the turbolift. Scotty, obviously feeling a bit guilty, follows after]
Scotty: "I tell ye what, sir….."
Jim: [Brightening up] "I knew I could rely on you Scotty!"
Scotty: "eh?..uh….I was just going to offer to personally beam you down.."
Jim: [A look of deep disappointment sweeps over his face] "ah…ok thanks"
[Five minutes later in the transporter room]
[plooooooooooooeeeeeeeoooooop……Jim de-materializes in the usual way]
[And a mere instant later, his molecules re-constitute themselves somewhere on the planet surface…]
Jim: [Thinking to himself] "…That was a bit extravagant this week…rigging up a complete transporter room set just for me and Scotty to say a line each….."
1st Being: "Greetings Captain Kirk…but where are the rest of your companions?"
Jim: "Uh?…emmm….they didn't want to come. Hey wait a minute…you're one of the Nurbs of Morris whatchamacallit aren't you?"
1st Being: "That is correct…."
Jim: "….so have you tracked down those impostors who took Spock?"
1st Being: [Suddenly turning nasty] "ha ha ha!..There never WERE any impostors!!..ha you fool Kirk!..We tricked you into coming here, and bringing your whole ship!..Now we HAVE YOU ALL!!!" [The being bursts into a torrent of wicked megalomaniacal laughter]
Jim: "..oh bugger" [Jim fumbles frantically with his communicator…and everything appears to go into slow motion…] "Scotty!!!…One to beam uuuu…ooooooooooh" [He feels a sharp thump on the back of his head…and falls unconscious…]
[Jolting back suddenly into consciousness, he finds himself in a very dark damp and smelly room…which is obviously some kind of dungeon]
Spock: "…Captain….are you alright?"
Jim: "ooooerr…my head…..I never thought I'd say this…but it's damn good to see you Spock.."
Spock: "Thank you Captain….."
Uhura: "They got me too Captain…"
[142 red jerseyed guards step out of the shadows…]
Guards: "They got us TOO sir."
Spock: [Raising an eyebrow in typical Spock fashion] "I see you're surprised Captain……I have a theory which might explain this though… Those Beings have been trailing us right from day one, and have been methodically stealing our entire crew one by one…and making it look like they were killed by our various alien adversaries over the years."
Jim: "It's utterly fiendish….(and barely credible if you don't mind me saying) …but what can they want us for?"
Spock: "I have a theory which might explain that too: 1) Their TV ratings are getting dangerously low and they want to use us in a pretty far fetched space adventure series….OR.. 2) They want us to proofread their autobiographies"
Uhura: "That's TWO theories Mr.Spock"
Spock: "Ah..so it is..sorry..I have TWO theories then: 1) The TV ratings one, 2) The proof reading one,…and.. 3) They can only exist by capturing passing starships, putting the crew members into a liquidizer and serving them up in milkshake form.."
Jim: "…I make that THREE theories.."
Spock: "…Well anyway…I think the fourth one is probably nearest the truth."
Jim, Uhura and the 142 guards together: "The FOURTH one?"
Spock: [getting slightly hysterical] "..yes: They are just total maniacs and want to torture us to death for the fun of it."
[There is a series of impatient thumps on the cell door]
Voice of a Being: "OI! You lot in there…what's all the noise about?"
Spock: [in a whisper] "..as I was saying….I think we ought to get out of here before we find out exactly what kind of torture they want to subject us to…"
Jim: "My sentiments exactly Spock…But how do you propose to get us out of here?"
Spock: "With THIS!!"
[Lt. Uhura screams as Spock produces something from his trousers]
*************** TO BE CONTINUED *************** Well, last week's stopping at a "not very interesting bit" was a bit of an experiment which went reasonably well I think. So I'm going to get even more conceptual this week by stopping here at a point where it's up to YOU to work out whether it was an interesting bit or a not very interesting bit. Answers on a postcard or sealed down elephant to:
"Is it an interesting bit" competition,
CNBR10 Corporation Headquarters,
Just Round The Corner.
Find out next week what was in Spock's trousers….but until then…keep your feet on the ground…and keep reaching for the stars!!
****************************************************************************** Credits: Storyline: David 'Dangerous' Young
Stunt Coordinator: Arthur Pewty
Fight Arranger: Bicycle Repair Man
Corny summary line: Casey Kasem, and his jumper.
Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
And thanks especially to our wonderful system security manager who has kindly overlooked this particular breach.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07 CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their undying support for the author through his most troubled times, and for chipping in to pay for the psychiatric help.
Any characters depicted in this series are based wholly on real people who I know. So if you recognise them in the street, give them a good slagging.
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