Janeway vs. Picard

Why Captain Janeway is Better Than Captain Picard

  • More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
  • Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
  • Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
  • Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
  • Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship — yet.
  • Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
  • Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
  • Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
  • Hasn't quoted Shakespeare — yet.
  • Looks better in sleepwear.
  • Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
  • Isn't French with an English accent.
  • "Take this cheese to sickbay!"
  • Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
  • Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
  • To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song… in French… about a monk… who can't wake up for morning bells.
  • The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
  • Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
  • She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
  • Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
  • Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
  • 15 episodes without surrendering the ship.
  • 15 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
  • Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet again take over the ship.
  • She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
  • Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!
  • Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look… no, they can't do that on network television.
  • Cheese
  • Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.
  • She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
  • Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over her eyes.
  • Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
  • Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
  • Her telepath only lives nine years.
  • Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
  • Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force".
  • Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
  • The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.
  • Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
  • Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
  • Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
  • Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!
  • Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
  • Has a more manly voice.
  • Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
  • Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
  • Kes. Troi. No contest.
  • Neelix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
  • At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.
  • Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
  • Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
  • Her CONN officer can use contractions.
  • Her first officer has a hallucinogenic device.
  • None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
  • To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get… to Risa.